Thanksgiving and my adventure

Once again it's that time of year again and I got to partake in the cooking goodness that my sister always brings. I go every year to her house and stay for at the very least a couple of days. I get to see my nephew, niece, brother in-law and the rest of the gang. It's a good time of year for me because I get to take a break from work and I get to relax with those I love. This year is a little different, in that I got to hook up with an old high school buddy of mine that I found on FB. Sweatpea and I went out to have a few drinks and shoot the shit for about 6 1/2 to 7 hours. In that time I didn't have one smoke. The time passed so fast. . . too fast. I could have stayed there for days talking to her. She was just as cool and attractive as I remembered. I was a little nervous at first because I didn't want to say the wrong things or make a fool of myself. (These are things that I think about yes). But after we started talking I just fell into the conversation and it flowed like the river. It did my soul good to see her again and to talk to someone who can relate to where I am in my life and where I came from. I really can't put it into words but it was just a refreshing feeling. Like taking a breath of clean air after being confined in a world full of smog.

While we were out having our drinks and conversations, my mom called twice! She has a tendency to do that. I know she's lonely ever since my dad passed away but she did this before he left this earth. I feel bad for my sister in that she has to deal with it 7-9 times every day!. :( I know she's my mother but damn! Anyway, I didn't answer the phone because Sweetpea was more important to me. Not that my mother isn't important but I wanted to enjoy this evening.

After we decided it was getting kind of late and we should probably call it an evening (which I didn't want to but had little choice in the matter. It was either call it then or get a hotel room and I don't think I'd want to see her face if I asked her to come up to my hotel room. lol I probably would be bent over in pain and grabbing my crotch.) I gave her a hug (which felt really good but I didn't want to get too close because I know she doesn't care for smokers) and we told each other to have a good thanksgiving. If I had to go back home right then and there I would have said I had a good thanksgiving weekend. I went out to my car and called my mom, smoked a cigarette and then realized I hadn't had one for almost 7 hours! But like I said, I didn't even notice that so much time had passed.

I went back to my sisters and apologised for staying out so late. My sister just gave me that "you're a dumbass" look and said, "We aren't your keepers, you were having fun with your friend and we will be here. Just text me and let me know when you are planning on coming back." I love my sister, she's my best friend and we can make each other laugh even if we are having a bad day. Although she swears she will never call me on the phone if she has another child. I made her laugh through contractions. Yeah, I'm kinda corny that way and I love to make people laugh, even if it's at the expense of embarrassing myself. If you can't laugh at yourself. . . . yeah I know, others will still laugh at you.

The next day I did my normal morning routine and then headed over to my moms to help her out with some computer issues she thought she was having. I don't mind helping her out but she just doesn't understand certain things and it's almost harder to explain them to her than just to do it and tell her that it was just a setting that I had to fix. So after having done my due diligence at my moms house I went over to the gun shop to visit one of my families oldest friends. I'll refer to him as Putz in this blog. My father and him have known each other for 62 years and it was good to see him again. He hasn't changed much, he still gives me a hard time when I walk into his shop. This I expect from him and it's a welcoming feeling. He gives everyone a hard time but does it in a joking manor. We talked for a bit and he told me a few stories about my old man and him. I laughed quite a bit. It was very nice to see him again. I plan on visiting him again around X-Mas time.

When the thanksgiving dinner was underway and we all sat down at the table, my niece wanted us to go around and say what we were thankful for. I thought this was fitting, especially for this year since I have lately a few things to be very thankful for. When it came to my turn, I gave thanks for good friends and good family. You know who you are and I am thankful for you. I don't know if I'm thankful for the situation I created for myself (being single) but I know I did the right thing for the right reasons.

As for the being single thing, it felt strange this year not to call my now ex-girlfriend and see how her day went. It was a usual thing that I did when I came down to Oregon for the holidays. Since we broke up, I have noticed a lot of things that I kind of miss about her, even the things that were annoying. I haven't spoken to her in 6 weeks. She and I wanted to remain friends after the breakup. But after I found out that she met someone a month after we broke up and then 5 weeks later got engaged to him. . . . that actually hurt me that she was able to get over me so quickly. We were together for 5 years. We both decided that I would contact her when I was ready. It's been 6 weeks now and I haven't talked to her yet. I wanted to but every time I think about doing it, I remind myself that I'm not ready yet. We have been broken up for 5 months now. I'm thankful she's happy but at the same time hurt because of the situation. I won't go into it here but let's just say. . . I'm not ready to be friends with her yet.

Creative writings

So, me being me I like to write about things I feel and or am passionate about. That being said, I used to IM with female friends and things could take a turn to the naughty side of things and I found that my words were so descriptive that the would cause the other person to become so excited that. . . . . well let's just say I was happy to have caused such a reaction.

A friend of mine suggested that I write a story using the very vivid imagination that I have and using the oh so descriptive words that I do. I started writing my first story about 6 months ago. I found that it was a nice creative release but at the same time, it served another purpose to please that darker part of my soul that needed the sexual satisfaction. I've begun to embrace that dark part more and more. Simply put, it's my demon and I consider it one of my best friends. I love what I do to women and I enjoy seeing that on their face. That's what pleases me. I find that if I can put a smile on their lips, then I've done my job. I would love to see what goes through a woman's mind as they read one of my stories. I would also like to see what it's doing to them. I'd love to find someone who would be honest enough with me to tell me exactly what they are feeling. Every woman that has read my stories, has done so in private and hasn't really given me the feedback that I need or want. They will simply say, it was good or I enjoyed reading it. That's good to hear but I want to know if it stirred a reaction in you. Did you visualize it? What did it do to you while you were reading it? Did you do anything about it afterwards? These are the kinds of things I want to hear.

More on this subject later.....


I've moved my "creative writings" to a different blog for safety purposes. If you want to know where they have gone just ask me and I'll tell you.

What's on my mind.

Lately, I've been feeling down and lonely. I know things will get better but I can't help but think the worst. So, I'll begin by saying that I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years about 4 months ago. After 1 1/2 months she met someone new and 5 weeks into her new relationship he asked her to marry him. She said it was a tentative "yes" but really, how well can you know someone after 5 weeks to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them? It bothered me that she was able to move on so quickly and excel to that point of marriage. I should be happy for her that she's found someone that makes her feel that way but Jesus Christ! 5 weeks!!? The thing that really pisses me off is the fact that after breaking up with her, I realized how much I did love her and wanted to work things out. She said that she didn't want to get hurt by me again. I can understand where she's coming from but everytime I tried to break up with her throughout our relationship, (which she was counting. . . 5 times I tried to break up) I gave her another chance and when it comes down to ME asking for another chance. . . nope . . sorry. You're not worth it. That's the kind of shit that just erks me!.

We said we'd try to remain friends when I broke up with her. She's ok with being just friends, but after that news I told her that I needed some time to heal from the impact I was just given. She agreed to let me contact her when I'm ready. So far it's been 5 weeks that I haven't called, texted, emailed or even seen her. I'm doing better but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been trying these internet dating sites to see if I can atleast get my face out there and re-assure myself that I'm still worth something. So far, all I've gotten is the God Damn fake people that can't spell worth shit and have broken english at best. I just don't know anything anymore. People are fake, words are fake, . . . . I'm just so tired of fake people and things, I want something real and solid.

There is so much more out there. . I know. And people keep telling me it will get better. .. I fucking hate that saying!! Even if it is true. I just need to make friends and that's been a lot harder than it seems. I've never had issues making friends before but since I moved up to Washington about 10 years ago, I don't know as many people and over the years, I've gotten more cinical. I feel I'm loosing the best part of me to anger and hate. I don't want to be depressed and disappointed all the time, day after day. . . .

Is it really that hard to find someone who you can get along with? Someone who sees the world as you do? Can be positive? Can communicate? Isn't affraid to say what's on their mind and work things out?

My friend sweetpea, turned me on to this site, I don't know if I'll actually get any followers but that's not important to me. what is important, is getting my thoughts and feelings out. This might be a good avenue for that.

My sister says I need to take this time and get to know "me" again. I'll be honest, I'm not sure if I like "me" at the moment. And at what point do you start looking for someone? If I start filling up my time by doing all these things that I'm interested in, or create habbits out of, and someone new comes into my life, I'll lose those things. It feels like a no win scenerio.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing better and try to keep a positive attitude about 95% of the time, but there is that 5% that just needs to be heard.