Lately, I've been feeling down and lonely. I know things will get better but I can't help but think the worst. So, I'll begin by saying that I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years about 4 months ago. After 1 1/2 months she met someone new and 5 weeks into her new relationship he asked her to marry him. She said it was a tentative "yes" but really, how well can you know someone after 5 weeks to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them? It bothered me that she was able to move on so quickly and excel to that point of marriage. I should be happy for her that she's found someone that makes her feel that way but Jesus Christ! 5 weeks!!? The thing that really pisses me off is the fact that after breaking up with her, I realized how much I did love her and wanted to work things out. She said that she didn't want to get hurt by me again. I can understand where she's coming from but everytime I tried to break up with her throughout our relationship, (which she was counting. . . 5 times I tried to break up) I gave her another chance and when it comes down to ME asking for another chance. . . nope . . sorry. You're not worth it. That's the kind of shit that just erks me!.
We said we'd try to remain friends when I broke up with her. She's ok with being just friends, but after that news I told her that I needed some time to heal from the impact I was just given. She agreed to let me contact her when I'm ready. So far it's been 5 weeks that I haven't called, texted, emailed or even seen her. I'm doing better but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been trying these internet dating sites to see if I can atleast get my face out there and re-assure myself that I'm still worth something. So far, all I've gotten is the God Damn fake people that can't spell worth shit and have broken english at best. I just don't know anything anymore. People are fake, words are fake, . . . . I'm just so tired of fake people and things, I want something real and solid.
There is so much more out there. . I know. And people keep telling me it will get better. .. I fucking hate that saying!! Even if it is true. I just need to make friends and that's been a lot harder than it seems. I've never had issues making friends before but since I moved up to Washington about 10 years ago, I don't know as many people and over the years, I've gotten more cinical. I feel I'm loosing the best part of me to anger and hate. I don't want to be depressed and disappointed all the time, day after day. . . .
Is it really that hard to find someone who you can get along with? Someone who sees the world as you do? Can be positive? Can communicate? Isn't affraid to say what's on their mind and work things out?
My friend sweetpea, turned me on to this site, I don't know if I'll actually get any followers but that's not important to me. what is important, is getting my thoughts and feelings out. This might be a good avenue for that.
My sister says I need to take this time and get to know "me" again. I'll be honest, I'm not sure if I like "me" at the moment. And at what point do you start looking for someone? If I start filling up my time by doing all these things that I'm interested in, or create habbits out of, and someone new comes into my life, I'll lose those things. It feels like a no win scenerio.
Don't get me wrong, I am doing better and try to keep a positive attitude about 95% of the time, but there is that 5% that just needs to be heard.
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