Why

That is the eternal question and one that drives us mad when we don't have the answer. In this particular instance, I'm asking why do I feel like such an asshole? Why can't I figure things out quickly like others? Why can't I just go with the flow? Why do I feel bad when I try to stand up for my beliefs? Why do I have to explain why? There are so many unanswered questions as to why but I'm just having a difficult time today. You see, last night the relationship that made me so happy has ended. I feel like I've failed her by standing up for what I believe in. I can't wrap my brain around why I should feel so wrong for saying "this is who I am". It's ok for others to do that, why not me? I hate hurting people and it seems I excel in that department. I can't find a nice way to do anything lately. Yes, some would say, "oh, he's having a pity party for one" Well ya know what? Yeah I am and fuck it if you don't think I deserve it. I'm hurting immensely right now and I still feel that bond with her. I just feel lost and need some time to take a step back and re-assess things. I am made to feel like I should have all the answers but I don't and that's what is driving me insane. I only know how I feel and how I am reacting. I do not know the answer to the "why" to that question. It just seems like if I feel a certain way, I'm wrong. Or if I tell someone that the decisions I make hurt me. .. . I'm wrong. I can't possibly feel that way since I'm the one making the decision right? Wrong. I feel like my heart is torn and I am loosing someone that I know would be good for me. I just can't help but think that I need time to digest what has happened in the last couple of weeks.
She thinks it's over because of one thing. When it's so much more. I know it appears that at the first sign of trouble I'm outta here. Again not the case. I amazed her by staying around through what she perceived as her "brand of crazy" and yet this one time, I need to re-assess I am made to feel like I need to make a decision one way or another right now, no stalling, come on fess up . . . chop chop. . . is this one way or another. . . hmm? come on! what's the hold up? I cannot deal with things like that. And for someone to expect that out of me is going to get a shock when I do make a snap decision it will be out of frustration and not fact. It will be out of spite for the pushing that I feel I'm getting. When pressure is applied to me in that manor I only know of one way to defend myself.
I don't want things to be over, I really enjoy who she is, our conversations last hours. I feel a connection to her like none other before. But I cannot deal in absolutes. I cannot just say it's either this way or that way... I don't work like that, I never have and I never will. I am torn up over what occurred last night and I just don't know how to make it better. I want to reach out to her but at this point I feel I should remain still and let things settle down.

Why must I be who I am?

2010

Well here it is. 2000 and 10. So far the end of 2009 was awesome and it looks as though 2010 is going to be just as good. Except for my body fighting off something. Not sure what it is, but I got the doc to get me some meds and we'll see from there.

Now it's been awhile since I have written in here but that's just because I've been busy and haven't made the time to write. When X-Mas rolled around I was digging through my storage room looking for old art books to show my niece. I came across some of my old journals that were hand written. I thought about transfering them to electronic form and I might still do that but I think that's WAY too much blogging for the web to handle. Plus it doesn't describe my current state of affairs. I started them back when I was fresh out of highschool. So I think what I will do is put them into an electronic format using word or some other digital typer keeper thingy. & yes that's the technical term. ;)

I had such a wonderful time on X-Mas that I should only describe it in detail in say a secret blog so I can get my thoughts down on . . . 1's and 0's. I'm going to say this. I got the best X-Mas present ever and that it's always better to give. . . than to receive. Such a wonderful magical night. I didn't want the year to end without experiencing that yet again. So New Years was fantastic!! The best I've ever had!! It was a fitting way to bring in the new year. I know I'm being vague but I do want to keep some details for the secret places in my mind where I can go to revisit any memory I want.