Why

That is the eternal question and one that drives us mad when we don't have the answer. In this particular instance, I'm asking why do I feel like such an asshole? Why can't I figure things out quickly like others? Why can't I just go with the flow? Why do I feel bad when I try to stand up for my beliefs? Why do I have to explain why? There are so many unanswered questions as to why but I'm just having a difficult time today. You see, last night the relationship that made me so happy has ended. I feel like I've failed her by standing up for what I believe in. I can't wrap my brain around why I should feel so wrong for saying "this is who I am". It's ok for others to do that, why not me? I hate hurting people and it seems I excel in that department. I can't find a nice way to do anything lately. Yes, some would say, "oh, he's having a pity party for one" Well ya know what? Yeah I am and fuck it if you don't think I deserve it. I'm hurting immensely right now and I still feel that bond with her. I just feel lost and need some time to take a step back and re-assess things. I am made to feel like I should have all the answers but I don't and that's what is driving me insane. I only know how I feel and how I am reacting. I do not know the answer to the "why" to that question. It just seems like if I feel a certain way, I'm wrong. Or if I tell someone that the decisions I make hurt me. .. . I'm wrong. I can't possibly feel that way since I'm the one making the decision right? Wrong. I feel like my heart is torn and I am loosing someone that I know would be good for me. I just can't help but think that I need time to digest what has happened in the last couple of weeks.
She thinks it's over because of one thing. When it's so much more. I know it appears that at the first sign of trouble I'm outta here. Again not the case. I amazed her by staying around through what she perceived as her "brand of crazy" and yet this one time, I need to re-assess I am made to feel like I need to make a decision one way or another right now, no stalling, come on fess up . . . chop chop. . . is this one way or another. . . hmm? come on! what's the hold up? I cannot deal with things like that. And for someone to expect that out of me is going to get a shock when I do make a snap decision it will be out of frustration and not fact. It will be out of spite for the pushing that I feel I'm getting. When pressure is applied to me in that manor I only know of one way to defend myself.
I don't want things to be over, I really enjoy who she is, our conversations last hours. I feel a connection to her like none other before. But I cannot deal in absolutes. I cannot just say it's either this way or that way... I don't work like that, I never have and I never will. I am torn up over what occurred last night and I just don't know how to make it better. I want to reach out to her but at this point I feel I should remain still and let things settle down.

Why must I be who I am?