Friday Night Friends

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my house talking on the phone with my sister. She and I can talk for hours. But I feel that I need to write in here since I haven't done it in awhile. I quit smoking about 3 weeks ago. I'm doing well as far that goes. I haven't killed anyone and all my pets appendages are in tact. I think they like the new me. I spend more time indoors with them. Or they are just humoring me so that I'll keep them warm and fed.



Last night I went to a x-mas party with a group of people who I met through my good friend Grizzly. They call themselves the Friday night friends group. It's a group of people who get together on Friday nights and just sit around sharing stories and good positive energy. They are a really good group of people. I had quite a few laughs after the uncomfortableness of the evening began. It's always kind of a stiff beginning when you are one of the first people to arrive. After some time passes and you warm up to the environment, you can start to relax and mingle. It's a lot like wading into a pool. . . it's uncomfortable at first with the sensations of water rushing over your skin but after you've been in it for a few minutes, you don't notice it anymore and the opposite becomes the truth. If you get out you feel your skin complain once again.

The evening brought many laughs and I had a good time. I was told by the hostess that next time I need to bring a "friend" with me. That's the part of being single that is probably the number one thing that stands out. When you go to a party and don't have someone there by your side and you by theirs.

Lucky for me that I have an out for leaving the party without seeming like I'm a party crasher. My buddy Grizzly had to go to work that night and he was my transportation there. So, I had to leave when he and his wife left. On the drive back to my place we talked about how the evening went and are thankful that there are decent people in our lives that make the world seem just a bit brighter. And that's when the thought of a particular individual came to mind (not that they weren't there already) and how thankful I am to the universe that I've reconnected with them. I began to smile and sat back in my seat to enjoy the ride home. I didn't say much more the rest of the ride. I was absorbed in my thoughts and feelings.

Grizzly dropped me off at home and I walked in, got into my comfy clothes and that's when my phone alerted me to the fact that I have someone who would like my attention. I picked it up and looked at the message before me. The question posed before me made me literally laugh out loud. But I didn't find it offensive at all. I instead found it to be straight up honesty and it made me smile. I answered the question and that began a conversation that went on for a couple of hours.

It was finally time for bed and I crawled in under the blankets and got comfortable. As I drifted off to sleep I again thanked the universe for the friends and special people I have in my life. I had a smile on my face as I slowly descended into the dream world hoping that luck would let me spend some time with the one person who's been on my mind.

Frustrated

So it's Saturday night once again and I'm not doing shit. I would have attempted to go to the bar tonight but I checked my bank account and it told me that I only have enough of those little numbers in there to pay my mortgage. So, I'm sitting here blogging and watching M.I.B. II. The question that is burning within my mind is . . . what the fuck is wrong with me? I'll explain. I love to look at women. There are so many different shapes and sizes and yadda yadda yadda. My question is. . . since my break up I have been trying to get myself out of this funk that I've been in. Every time I look at a woman that I find attractive I think to myself, "I could see myself with her" and then it hits me..... the next person I am with will be different than who I was used to being with. She will smell different, taste different, feel different. I have to start over from scratch and get to know them all over again. . . . for what? For me to realize that I probably can't keep a relationship longer than 5 years? Only to go through this all over again? Is it really worth it? Should I just cut my losses and remain single from here on out? What does the future have in store for me? I don't know and I guess it's better that way.

I'm taking steps to change a few things about myself. I'm quitting smoking, I'm going to start working out. I think once I get through the withdrawals of the nicotine I'll be better. Maybe that's what's causing these epiphanies. Maybe I'm just getting to know myself all over again. I'm finding that it's not so bad being single . . . . well I'll give it a 50/50. Half the time it's ok because I get the alone time that I crave and can think about things. And 50% of the time it's too quiet and I would love to talk to someone or feel that human touch that I deeply miss. I'm not talking just about sex, I'm talking about the contact you need to feel to remain human. If you go too long without that . . . you cease being connected to the world and this reality. I don't want to loose that. I'm afraid that I will if I can't be at peace with this breakup and move on. I really do want my ex as a friend in my life, but I'm not ready to call her that yet. I'm still angry over many things. I am not normally an angry person but this kind of hurt went to the soul. Even though I caused this, it hurt me more. I know I did it for a reason and I need to remember that. I have to stick to my guns. . . . what the hell am I saying. I don't have a choice in this. She's moved on. . . got engaged and thinks everything is fine now!

You know there was a time in my life where I didn't feel much. I didn't care and I just felt disconnected from the world around me. I find myself now feeling more than I ever wanted to and am really unprepared to deal with it.

A good friend of mine grizzly said that I was dealing with this like a teenager. Now I got a little offended at first when he said that and it took about a day for it to really sink in to where I had to talk to him about it. He explained that it wasn't that I was acting like a teenager, it was that I was dealing with this as a teenager would the first time they got deeply hurt. Now, having said that I had to sit and think about it. He said this for a reason and I had to decode it to fit what I could understand at the time. (this was about 9 weeks ago) He was right in one respect. It was something that I hadn't experienced to this level in my life. But I don't think the analogy was correct. I feel that when we get something new introduced into our lives we deal with it the best we know how at first and it's almost like an infection. Your body takes over without you telling it what to do. It tries to protect itself the best way it knows how. So your primal instincts take over. You start doing strange things and acting out of the norm until your mind can catch up. . . analyze it and deal with it. Once that happens you calm down and begin the healing process. For some the healing process takes awhile, for others not as long. So all this has led me to a new understanding of my body and mind. I guess it's a good thing that I'm recognizing lessons to be learned, knowledge to be gain, and experience to remember. Along with that, my body is going through nicotine withdrawals and I'm quitting smoking for the 2nd time.

The first time I quit smoking I was literally going to bite someones head off, put it on a silver platter and show it to them. I was livid with frustration and anger over the withdrawal symptoms. It was literally the week from hell. Now, using what I put into the last paragraph, my body didn't know what to expect and didn't know how to deal with it. It was a very rough time. 2 years later I met my now ex and picked up smoking again. The hardest thing about starting again was that my Dad had told me the year before he died how proud of me he was for quiting smoking. And here I was starting up again. It was a stressful time in my life and it just came back so easily. . . . too easily. I smoked for another 4 years up until this point where my friend Sweatpea and I were having a conversation one day and I had a moment of clarity where I thought to myself, "Why do I need to smoke?". This thought process took me into where I'm at now. I cut back the first day from 20+ cigarettes a day to only 6. 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening that day. The next day I didn't have any. The day after that I tried to smoke just a few puffs off of one out in my garage. It made me light headed and kind of ill feeling. I didn't like that so I probably won't be doing that again. Ok back to my point of this. (I get distracted like the dog in the movie UP. SQUIRREL!) My point is that my body and mind had gone through this process once before and I found myself not being nearly as tense and or angry as i was the first time. I was actually calm and collected. I think because I had been through it before I know what to expect and how to deal with it.

I'm not looking forward to the weight gain but I'm trying to keep a close eye on that so that I don't balloon up like I did the first time. I know there is nothing but benefits to doing this and I want to be healthier and change my life for the better. I am so tired of being lethargic and fat. I know I've got a good personality and a good heart. I give until it hurts and I'm one of those people who will literally give the shirt off his back for another person. (I've done it before) and like a fool I keep getting stepped on and keep going back for more. What was it that I heard? If you continue to do the same thing over and over expecting different results..... it's the definition of insanity.

Influences

Many of us think that we come up with our own ideas and that what we do stems from our own inner desire to do the right thing. But I pose this question. Have you ever wondered if someone you knew or know has ever influenced your actions one way or another? The real question here is why do we let others enter our decision making process? Is it that we want to do what we are told? Do we feel the need to please others? Or do we do it for ourselves in the hopes that our friends will lead us in the right direction and can see something that we cannot. How do we know when to follow these influences? Are they right? There are more questions then answers here but amazingly, all these things go through our mind in a fraction of a second and we make a decision. If only we knew what was the correct choice. We make these choices in hopes that it will not be the wrong one and ultimately cost us something if we don't do it. I'm sure there is much psychology to this and probably even more philosophy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all become confused at one time or another in our lives and someone or something sways us in one direction or another. I would like to think that the universe has a plan or at the very least an end goal in mind for us. I find myself lost a lot these days. I'm not sure what to believe in anymore. I don't know if I ever really did believe. I want to put my faith into something. Not necessarily an organized religion but something that I truly believe in. I know what feels right and what doesn't. But sometimes we walk that fine gray line of right and wrong. If only we could stop and think about things, choices, feelings, and outcomes. Things that might have been, or things that could still be.



I'm sure someone reading this could psychoanalyze it and sum what I'm talking about in a few words or word. But These thoughts and ideas need to get out and be asked.



Something that has been on my mind for many years but has always evaded me is a subject that my friend Sweetpea talked about in one of her blogs. She states that if your a guy, it's a good thing to make the first move. Here's the elusive portion of the thought. How do you know you should make that move? How do you know you aren't reading more into it than what is there? For me I know I have a bad habit of over thinking things or reading too much into them. I'm working on not doing that as much but it's a work in progress. How do you know until you try might be asked in return. But I'll put this out there, what if you're wrong? how would it damage a friendship or possibly be a very awkward situation? Now having said that, if you are out on a "date" then this type of behavior is expected. It may not always be wanted but it's a date for crying out loud. If only we as humans could be honest and open with another person and not scare them off at the first sign of your true inner thoughts. I wished that world existed. I find myself wanting to open up to someone and express these things without judgement. It all boils down to trust. If you trust someone enough and you feel their maturity level is of a high enough level then you can do just that. Sometimes you might find that you aren't crazy and others have had similar thoughts. Or they could be topics of discussion. I think I've reached very close to that stage. I can talk about most anything and would like to find that person to whom I could open up to and have them welcome my thoughts and feelings.