Frustrated

So it's Saturday night once again and I'm not doing shit. I would have attempted to go to the bar tonight but I checked my bank account and it told me that I only have enough of those little numbers in there to pay my mortgage. So, I'm sitting here blogging and watching M.I.B. II. The question that is burning within my mind is . . . what the fuck is wrong with me? I'll explain. I love to look at women. There are so many different shapes and sizes and yadda yadda yadda. My question is. . . since my break up I have been trying to get myself out of this funk that I've been in. Every time I look at a woman that I find attractive I think to myself, "I could see myself with her" and then it hits me..... the next person I am with will be different than who I was used to being with. She will smell different, taste different, feel different. I have to start over from scratch and get to know them all over again. . . . for what? For me to realize that I probably can't keep a relationship longer than 5 years? Only to go through this all over again? Is it really worth it? Should I just cut my losses and remain single from here on out? What does the future have in store for me? I don't know and I guess it's better that way.

I'm taking steps to change a few things about myself. I'm quitting smoking, I'm going to start working out. I think once I get through the withdrawals of the nicotine I'll be better. Maybe that's what's causing these epiphanies. Maybe I'm just getting to know myself all over again. I'm finding that it's not so bad being single . . . . well I'll give it a 50/50. Half the time it's ok because I get the alone time that I crave and can think about things. And 50% of the time it's too quiet and I would love to talk to someone or feel that human touch that I deeply miss. I'm not talking just about sex, I'm talking about the contact you need to feel to remain human. If you go too long without that . . . you cease being connected to the world and this reality. I don't want to loose that. I'm afraid that I will if I can't be at peace with this breakup and move on. I really do want my ex as a friend in my life, but I'm not ready to call her that yet. I'm still angry over many things. I am not normally an angry person but this kind of hurt went to the soul. Even though I caused this, it hurt me more. I know I did it for a reason and I need to remember that. I have to stick to my guns. . . . what the hell am I saying. I don't have a choice in this. She's moved on. . . got engaged and thinks everything is fine now!

You know there was a time in my life where I didn't feel much. I didn't care and I just felt disconnected from the world around me. I find myself now feeling more than I ever wanted to and am really unprepared to deal with it.

A good friend of mine grizzly said that I was dealing with this like a teenager. Now I got a little offended at first when he said that and it took about a day for it to really sink in to where I had to talk to him about it. He explained that it wasn't that I was acting like a teenager, it was that I was dealing with this as a teenager would the first time they got deeply hurt. Now, having said that I had to sit and think about it. He said this for a reason and I had to decode it to fit what I could understand at the time. (this was about 9 weeks ago) He was right in one respect. It was something that I hadn't experienced to this level in my life. But I don't think the analogy was correct. I feel that when we get something new introduced into our lives we deal with it the best we know how at first and it's almost like an infection. Your body takes over without you telling it what to do. It tries to protect itself the best way it knows how. So your primal instincts take over. You start doing strange things and acting out of the norm until your mind can catch up. . . analyze it and deal with it. Once that happens you calm down and begin the healing process. For some the healing process takes awhile, for others not as long. So all this has led me to a new understanding of my body and mind. I guess it's a good thing that I'm recognizing lessons to be learned, knowledge to be gain, and experience to remember. Along with that, my body is going through nicotine withdrawals and I'm quitting smoking for the 2nd time.

The first time I quit smoking I was literally going to bite someones head off, put it on a silver platter and show it to them. I was livid with frustration and anger over the withdrawal symptoms. It was literally the week from hell. Now, using what I put into the last paragraph, my body didn't know what to expect and didn't know how to deal with it. It was a very rough time. 2 years later I met my now ex and picked up smoking again. The hardest thing about starting again was that my Dad had told me the year before he died how proud of me he was for quiting smoking. And here I was starting up again. It was a stressful time in my life and it just came back so easily. . . . too easily. I smoked for another 4 years up until this point where my friend Sweatpea and I were having a conversation one day and I had a moment of clarity where I thought to myself, "Why do I need to smoke?". This thought process took me into where I'm at now. I cut back the first day from 20+ cigarettes a day to only 6. 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening that day. The next day I didn't have any. The day after that I tried to smoke just a few puffs off of one out in my garage. It made me light headed and kind of ill feeling. I didn't like that so I probably won't be doing that again. Ok back to my point of this. (I get distracted like the dog in the movie UP. SQUIRREL!) My point is that my body and mind had gone through this process once before and I found myself not being nearly as tense and or angry as i was the first time. I was actually calm and collected. I think because I had been through it before I know what to expect and how to deal with it.

I'm not looking forward to the weight gain but I'm trying to keep a close eye on that so that I don't balloon up like I did the first time. I know there is nothing but benefits to doing this and I want to be healthier and change my life for the better. I am so tired of being lethargic and fat. I know I've got a good personality and a good heart. I give until it hurts and I'm one of those people who will literally give the shirt off his back for another person. (I've done it before) and like a fool I keep getting stepped on and keep going back for more. What was it that I heard? If you continue to do the same thing over and over expecting different results..... it's the definition of insanity.