That is the eternal question and one that drives us mad when we don't have the answer. In this particular instance, I'm asking why do I feel like such an asshole? Why can't I figure things out quickly like others? Why can't I just go with the flow? Why do I feel bad when I try to stand up for my beliefs? Why do I have to explain why? There are so many unanswered questions as to why but I'm just having a difficult time today. You see, last night the relationship that made me so happy has ended. I feel like I've failed her by standing up for what I believe in. I can't wrap my brain around why I should feel so wrong for saying "this is who I am". It's ok for others to do that, why not me? I hate hurting people and it seems I excel in that department. I can't find a nice way to do anything lately. Yes, some would say, "oh, he's having a pity party for one" Well ya know what? Yeah I am and fuck it if you don't think I deserve it. I'm hurting immensely right now and I still feel that bond with her. I just feel lost and need some time to take a step back and re-assess things. I am made to feel like I should have all the answers but I don't and that's what is driving me insane. I only know how I feel and how I am reacting. I do not know the answer to the "why" to that question. It just seems like if I feel a certain way, I'm wrong. Or if I tell someone that the decisions I make hurt me. .. . I'm wrong. I can't possibly feel that way since I'm the one making the decision right? Wrong. I feel like my heart is torn and I am loosing someone that I know would be good for me. I just can't help but think that I need time to digest what has happened in the last couple of weeks.
She thinks it's over because of one thing. When it's so much more. I know it appears that at the first sign of trouble I'm outta here. Again not the case. I amazed her by staying around through what she perceived as her "brand of crazy" and yet this one time, I need to re-assess I am made to feel like I need to make a decision one way or another right now, no stalling, come on fess up . . . chop chop. . . is this one way or another. . . hmm? come on! what's the hold up? I cannot deal with things like that. And for someone to expect that out of me is going to get a shock when I do make a snap decision it will be out of frustration and not fact. It will be out of spite for the pushing that I feel I'm getting. When pressure is applied to me in that manor I only know of one way to defend myself.
I don't want things to be over, I really enjoy who she is, our conversations last hours. I feel a connection to her like none other before. But I cannot deal in absolutes. I cannot just say it's either this way or that way... I don't work like that, I never have and I never will. I am torn up over what occurred last night and I just don't know how to make it better. I want to reach out to her but at this point I feel I should remain still and let things settle down.
Why must I be who I am?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
2010
Well here it is. 2000 and 10. So far the end of 2009 was awesome and it looks as though 2010 is going to be just as good. Except for my body fighting off something. Not sure what it is, but I got the doc to get me some meds and we'll see from there.
Now it's been awhile since I have written in here but that's just because I've been busy and haven't made the time to write. When X-Mas rolled around I was digging through my storage room looking for old art books to show my niece. I came across some of my old journals that were hand written. I thought about transfering them to electronic form and I might still do that but I think that's WAY too much blogging for the web to handle. Plus it doesn't describe my current state of affairs. I started them back when I was fresh out of highschool. So I think what I will do is put them into an electronic format using word or some other digital typer keeper thingy. & yes that's the technical term. ;)
I had such a wonderful time on X-Mas that I should only describe it in detail in say a secret blog so I can get my thoughts down on . . . 1's and 0's. I'm going to say this. I got the best X-Mas present ever and that it's always better to give. . . than to receive. Such a wonderful magical night. I didn't want the year to end without experiencing that yet again. So New Years was fantastic!! The best I've ever had!! It was a fitting way to bring in the new year. I know I'm being vague but I do want to keep some details for the secret places in my mind where I can go to revisit any memory I want.
Now it's been awhile since I have written in here but that's just because I've been busy and haven't made the time to write. When X-Mas rolled around I was digging through my storage room looking for old art books to show my niece. I came across some of my old journals that were hand written. I thought about transfering them to electronic form and I might still do that but I think that's WAY too much blogging for the web to handle. Plus it doesn't describe my current state of affairs. I started them back when I was fresh out of highschool. So I think what I will do is put them into an electronic format using word or some other digital typer keeper thingy. & yes that's the technical term. ;)
I had such a wonderful time on X-Mas that I should only describe it in detail in say a secret blog so I can get my thoughts down on . . . 1's and 0's. I'm going to say this. I got the best X-Mas present ever and that it's always better to give. . . than to receive. Such a wonderful magical night. I didn't want the year to end without experiencing that yet again. So New Years was fantastic!! The best I've ever had!! It was a fitting way to bring in the new year. I know I'm being vague but I do want to keep some details for the secret places in my mind where I can go to revisit any memory I want.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday Night Friends
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting in my house talking on the phone with my sister. She and I can talk for hours. But I feel that I need to write in here since I haven't done it in awhile. I quit smoking about 3 weeks ago. I'm doing well as far that goes. I haven't killed anyone and all my pets appendages are in tact. I think they like the new me. I spend more time indoors with them. Or they are just humoring me so that I'll keep them warm and fed.
Last night I went to a x-mas party with a group of people who I met through my good friend Grizzly. They call themselves the Friday night friends group. It's a group of people who get together on Friday nights and just sit around sharing stories and good positive energy. They are a really good group of people. I had quite a few laughs after the uncomfortableness of the evening began. It's always kind of a stiff beginning when you are one of the first people to arrive. After some time passes and you warm up to the environment, you can start to relax and mingle. It's a lot like wading into a pool. . . it's uncomfortable at first with the sensations of water rushing over your skin but after you've been in it for a few minutes, you don't notice it anymore and the opposite becomes the truth. If you get out you feel your skin complain once again.
The evening brought many laughs and I had a good time. I was told by the hostess that next time I need to bring a "friend" with me. That's the part of being single that is probably the number one thing that stands out. When you go to a party and don't have someone there by your side and you by theirs.
Lucky for me that I have an out for leaving the party without seeming like I'm a party crasher. My buddy Grizzly had to go to work that night and he was my transportation there. So, I had to leave when he and his wife left. On the drive back to my place we talked about how the evening went and are thankful that there are decent people in our lives that make the world seem just a bit brighter. And that's when the thought of a particular individual came to mind (not that they weren't there already) and how thankful I am to the universe that I've reconnected with them. I began to smile and sat back in my seat to enjoy the ride home. I didn't say much more the rest of the ride. I was absorbed in my thoughts and feelings.
Grizzly dropped me off at home and I walked in, got into my comfy clothes and that's when my phone alerted me to the fact that I have someone who would like my attention. I picked it up and looked at the message before me. The question posed before me made me literally laugh out loud. But I didn't find it offensive at all. I instead found it to be straight up honesty and it made me smile. I answered the question and that began a conversation that went on for a couple of hours.
It was finally time for bed and I crawled in under the blankets and got comfortable. As I drifted off to sleep I again thanked the universe for the friends and special people I have in my life. I had a smile on my face as I slowly descended into the dream world hoping that luck would let me spend some time with the one person who's been on my mind.
Last night I went to a x-mas party with a group of people who I met through my good friend Grizzly. They call themselves the Friday night friends group. It's a group of people who get together on Friday nights and just sit around sharing stories and good positive energy. They are a really good group of people. I had quite a few laughs after the uncomfortableness of the evening began. It's always kind of a stiff beginning when you are one of the first people to arrive. After some time passes and you warm up to the environment, you can start to relax and mingle. It's a lot like wading into a pool. . . it's uncomfortable at first with the sensations of water rushing over your skin but after you've been in it for a few minutes, you don't notice it anymore and the opposite becomes the truth. If you get out you feel your skin complain once again.
The evening brought many laughs and I had a good time. I was told by the hostess that next time I need to bring a "friend" with me. That's the part of being single that is probably the number one thing that stands out. When you go to a party and don't have someone there by your side and you by theirs.
Lucky for me that I have an out for leaving the party without seeming like I'm a party crasher. My buddy Grizzly had to go to work that night and he was my transportation there. So, I had to leave when he and his wife left. On the drive back to my place we talked about how the evening went and are thankful that there are decent people in our lives that make the world seem just a bit brighter. And that's when the thought of a particular individual came to mind (not that they weren't there already) and how thankful I am to the universe that I've reconnected with them. I began to smile and sat back in my seat to enjoy the ride home. I didn't say much more the rest of the ride. I was absorbed in my thoughts and feelings.
Grizzly dropped me off at home and I walked in, got into my comfy clothes and that's when my phone alerted me to the fact that I have someone who would like my attention. I picked it up and looked at the message before me. The question posed before me made me literally laugh out loud. But I didn't find it offensive at all. I instead found it to be straight up honesty and it made me smile. I answered the question and that began a conversation that went on for a couple of hours.
It was finally time for bed and I crawled in under the blankets and got comfortable. As I drifted off to sleep I again thanked the universe for the friends and special people I have in my life. I had a smile on my face as I slowly descended into the dream world hoping that luck would let me spend some time with the one person who's been on my mind.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Frustrated
So it's Saturday night once again and I'm not doing shit. I would have attempted to go to the bar tonight but I checked my bank account and it told me that I only have enough of those little numbers in there to pay my mortgage. So, I'm sitting here blogging and watching M.I.B. II. The question that is burning within my mind is . . . what the fuck is wrong with me? I'll explain. I love to look at women. There are so many different shapes and sizes and yadda yadda yadda. My question is. . . since my break up I have been trying to get myself out of this funk that I've been in. Every time I look at a woman that I find attractive I think to myself, "I could see myself with her" and then it hits me..... the next person I am with will be different than who I was used to being with. She will smell different, taste different, feel different. I have to start over from scratch and get to know them all over again. . . . for what? For me to realize that I probably can't keep a relationship longer than 5 years? Only to go through this all over again? Is it really worth it? Should I just cut my losses and remain single from here on out? What does the future have in store for me? I don't know and I guess it's better that way.
I'm taking steps to change a few things about myself. I'm quitting smoking, I'm going to start working out. I think once I get through the withdrawals of the nicotine I'll be better. Maybe that's what's causing these epiphanies. Maybe I'm just getting to know myself all over again. I'm finding that it's not so bad being single . . . . well I'll give it a 50/50. Half the time it's ok because I get the alone time that I crave and can think about things. And 50% of the time it's too quiet and I would love to talk to someone or feel that human touch that I deeply miss. I'm not talking just about sex, I'm talking about the contact you need to feel to remain human. If you go too long without that . . . you cease being connected to the world and this reality. I don't want to loose that. I'm afraid that I will if I can't be at peace with this breakup and move on. I really do want my ex as a friend in my life, but I'm not ready to call her that yet. I'm still angry over many things. I am not normally an angry person but this kind of hurt went to the soul. Even though I caused this, it hurt me more. I know I did it for a reason and I need to remember that. I have to stick to my guns. . . . what the hell am I saying. I don't have a choice in this. She's moved on. . . got engaged and thinks everything is fine now!
You know there was a time in my life where I didn't feel much. I didn't care and I just felt disconnected from the world around me. I find myself now feeling more than I ever wanted to and am really unprepared to deal with it.
A good friend of mine grizzly said that I was dealing with this like a teenager. Now I got a little offended at first when he said that and it took about a day for it to really sink in to where I had to talk to him about it. He explained that it wasn't that I was acting like a teenager, it was that I was dealing with this as a teenager would the first time they got deeply hurt. Now, having said that I had to sit and think about it. He said this for a reason and I had to decode it to fit what I could understand at the time. (this was about 9 weeks ago) He was right in one respect. It was something that I hadn't experienced to this level in my life. But I don't think the analogy was correct. I feel that when we get something new introduced into our lives we deal with it the best we know how at first and it's almost like an infection. Your body takes over without you telling it what to do. It tries to protect itself the best way it knows how. So your primal instincts take over. You start doing strange things and acting out of the norm until your mind can catch up. . . analyze it and deal with it. Once that happens you calm down and begin the healing process. For some the healing process takes awhile, for others not as long. So all this has led me to a new understanding of my body and mind. I guess it's a good thing that I'm recognizing lessons to be learned, knowledge to be gain, and experience to remember. Along with that, my body is going through nicotine withdrawals and I'm quitting smoking for the 2nd time.
The first time I quit smoking I was literally going to bite someones head off, put it on a silver platter and show it to them. I was livid with frustration and anger over the withdrawal symptoms. It was literally the week from hell. Now, using what I put into the last paragraph, my body didn't know what to expect and didn't know how to deal with it. It was a very rough time. 2 years later I met my now ex and picked up smoking again. The hardest thing about starting again was that my Dad had told me the year before he died how proud of me he was for quiting smoking. And here I was starting up again. It was a stressful time in my life and it just came back so easily. . . . too easily. I smoked for another 4 years up until this point where my friend Sweatpea and I were having a conversation one day and I had a moment of clarity where I thought to myself, "Why do I need to smoke?". This thought process took me into where I'm at now. I cut back the first day from 20+ cigarettes a day to only 6. 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening that day. The next day I didn't have any. The day after that I tried to smoke just a few puffs off of one out in my garage. It made me light headed and kind of ill feeling. I didn't like that so I probably won't be doing that again. Ok back to my point of this. (I get distracted like the dog in the movie UP. SQUIRREL!) My point is that my body and mind had gone through this process once before and I found myself not being nearly as tense and or angry as i was the first time. I was actually calm and collected. I think because I had been through it before I know what to expect and how to deal with it.
I'm not looking forward to the weight gain but I'm trying to keep a close eye on that so that I don't balloon up like I did the first time. I know there is nothing but benefits to doing this and I want to be healthier and change my life for the better. I am so tired of being lethargic and fat. I know I've got a good personality and a good heart. I give until it hurts and I'm one of those people who will literally give the shirt off his back for another person. (I've done it before) and like a fool I keep getting stepped on and keep going back for more. What was it that I heard? If you continue to do the same thing over and over expecting different results..... it's the definition of insanity.
I'm taking steps to change a few things about myself. I'm quitting smoking, I'm going to start working out. I think once I get through the withdrawals of the nicotine I'll be better. Maybe that's what's causing these epiphanies. Maybe I'm just getting to know myself all over again. I'm finding that it's not so bad being single . . . . well I'll give it a 50/50. Half the time it's ok because I get the alone time that I crave and can think about things. And 50% of the time it's too quiet and I would love to talk to someone or feel that human touch that I deeply miss. I'm not talking just about sex, I'm talking about the contact you need to feel to remain human. If you go too long without that . . . you cease being connected to the world and this reality. I don't want to loose that. I'm afraid that I will if I can't be at peace with this breakup and move on. I really do want my ex as a friend in my life, but I'm not ready to call her that yet. I'm still angry over many things. I am not normally an angry person but this kind of hurt went to the soul. Even though I caused this, it hurt me more. I know I did it for a reason and I need to remember that. I have to stick to my guns. . . . what the hell am I saying. I don't have a choice in this. She's moved on. . . got engaged and thinks everything is fine now!
You know there was a time in my life where I didn't feel much. I didn't care and I just felt disconnected from the world around me. I find myself now feeling more than I ever wanted to and am really unprepared to deal with it.
A good friend of mine grizzly said that I was dealing with this like a teenager. Now I got a little offended at first when he said that and it took about a day for it to really sink in to where I had to talk to him about it. He explained that it wasn't that I was acting like a teenager, it was that I was dealing with this as a teenager would the first time they got deeply hurt. Now, having said that I had to sit and think about it. He said this for a reason and I had to decode it to fit what I could understand at the time. (this was about 9 weeks ago) He was right in one respect. It was something that I hadn't experienced to this level in my life. But I don't think the analogy was correct. I feel that when we get something new introduced into our lives we deal with it the best we know how at first and it's almost like an infection. Your body takes over without you telling it what to do. It tries to protect itself the best way it knows how. So your primal instincts take over. You start doing strange things and acting out of the norm until your mind can catch up. . . analyze it and deal with it. Once that happens you calm down and begin the healing process. For some the healing process takes awhile, for others not as long. So all this has led me to a new understanding of my body and mind. I guess it's a good thing that I'm recognizing lessons to be learned, knowledge to be gain, and experience to remember. Along with that, my body is going through nicotine withdrawals and I'm quitting smoking for the 2nd time.
The first time I quit smoking I was literally going to bite someones head off, put it on a silver platter and show it to them. I was livid with frustration and anger over the withdrawal symptoms. It was literally the week from hell. Now, using what I put into the last paragraph, my body didn't know what to expect and didn't know how to deal with it. It was a very rough time. 2 years later I met my now ex and picked up smoking again. The hardest thing about starting again was that my Dad had told me the year before he died how proud of me he was for quiting smoking. And here I was starting up again. It was a stressful time in my life and it just came back so easily. . . . too easily. I smoked for another 4 years up until this point where my friend Sweatpea and I were having a conversation one day and I had a moment of clarity where I thought to myself, "Why do I need to smoke?". This thought process took me into where I'm at now. I cut back the first day from 20+ cigarettes a day to only 6. 3 in the morning and 3 in the evening that day. The next day I didn't have any. The day after that I tried to smoke just a few puffs off of one out in my garage. It made me light headed and kind of ill feeling. I didn't like that so I probably won't be doing that again. Ok back to my point of this. (I get distracted like the dog in the movie UP. SQUIRREL!) My point is that my body and mind had gone through this process once before and I found myself not being nearly as tense and or angry as i was the first time. I was actually calm and collected. I think because I had been through it before I know what to expect and how to deal with it.
I'm not looking forward to the weight gain but I'm trying to keep a close eye on that so that I don't balloon up like I did the first time. I know there is nothing but benefits to doing this and I want to be healthier and change my life for the better. I am so tired of being lethargic and fat. I know I've got a good personality and a good heart. I give until it hurts and I'm one of those people who will literally give the shirt off his back for another person. (I've done it before) and like a fool I keep getting stepped on and keep going back for more. What was it that I heard? If you continue to do the same thing over and over expecting different results..... it's the definition of insanity.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Influences
Many of us think that we come up with our own ideas and that what we do stems from our own inner desire to do the right thing. But I pose this question. Have you ever wondered if someone you knew or know has ever influenced your actions one way or another? The real question here is why do we let others enter our decision making process? Is it that we want to do what we are told? Do we feel the need to please others? Or do we do it for ourselves in the hopes that our friends will lead us in the right direction and can see something that we cannot. How do we know when to follow these influences? Are they right? There are more questions then answers here but amazingly, all these things go through our mind in a fraction of a second and we make a decision. If only we knew what was the correct choice. We make these choices in hopes that it will not be the wrong one and ultimately cost us something if we don't do it. I'm sure there is much psychology to this and probably even more philosophy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all become confused at one time or another in our lives and someone or something sways us in one direction or another. I would like to think that the universe has a plan or at the very least an end goal in mind for us. I find myself lost a lot these days. I'm not sure what to believe in anymore. I don't know if I ever really did believe. I want to put my faith into something. Not necessarily an organized religion but something that I truly believe in. I know what feels right and what doesn't. But sometimes we walk that fine gray line of right and wrong. If only we could stop and think about things, choices, feelings, and outcomes. Things that might have been, or things that could still be.
I'm sure someone reading this could psychoanalyze it and sum what I'm talking about in a few words or word. But These thoughts and ideas need to get out and be asked.
Something that has been on my mind for many years but has always evaded me is a subject that my friend Sweetpea talked about in one of her blogs. She states that if your a guy, it's a good thing to make the first move. Here's the elusive portion of the thought. How do you know you should make that move? How do you know you aren't reading more into it than what is there? For me I know I have a bad habit of over thinking things or reading too much into them. I'm working on not doing that as much but it's a work in progress. How do you know until you try might be asked in return. But I'll put this out there, what if you're wrong? how would it damage a friendship or possibly be a very awkward situation? Now having said that, if you are out on a "date" then this type of behavior is expected. It may not always be wanted but it's a date for crying out loud. If only we as humans could be honest and open with another person and not scare them off at the first sign of your true inner thoughts. I wished that world existed. I find myself wanting to open up to someone and express these things without judgement. It all boils down to trust. If you trust someone enough and you feel their maturity level is of a high enough level then you can do just that. Sometimes you might find that you aren't crazy and others have had similar thoughts. Or they could be topics of discussion. I think I've reached very close to that stage. I can talk about most anything and would like to find that person to whom I could open up to and have them welcome my thoughts and feelings.
I'm sure someone reading this could psychoanalyze it and sum what I'm talking about in a few words or word. But These thoughts and ideas need to get out and be asked.
Something that has been on my mind for many years but has always evaded me is a subject that my friend Sweetpea talked about in one of her blogs. She states that if your a guy, it's a good thing to make the first move. Here's the elusive portion of the thought. How do you know you should make that move? How do you know you aren't reading more into it than what is there? For me I know I have a bad habit of over thinking things or reading too much into them. I'm working on not doing that as much but it's a work in progress. How do you know until you try might be asked in return. But I'll put this out there, what if you're wrong? how would it damage a friendship or possibly be a very awkward situation? Now having said that, if you are out on a "date" then this type of behavior is expected. It may not always be wanted but it's a date for crying out loud. If only we as humans could be honest and open with another person and not scare them off at the first sign of your true inner thoughts. I wished that world existed. I find myself wanting to open up to someone and express these things without judgement. It all boils down to trust. If you trust someone enough and you feel their maturity level is of a high enough level then you can do just that. Sometimes you might find that you aren't crazy and others have had similar thoughts. Or they could be topics of discussion. I think I've reached very close to that stage. I can talk about most anything and would like to find that person to whom I could open up to and have them welcome my thoughts and feelings.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thanksgiving and my adventure
Once again it's that time of year again and I got to partake in the cooking goodness that my sister always brings. I go every year to her house and stay for at the very least a couple of days. I get to see my nephew, niece, brother in-law and the rest of the gang. It's a good time of year for me because I get to take a break from work and I get to relax with those I love. This year is a little different, in that I got to hook up with an old high school buddy of mine that I found on FB. Sweatpea and I went out to have a few drinks and shoot the shit for about 6 1/2 to 7 hours. In that time I didn't have one smoke. The time passed so fast. . . too fast. I could have stayed there for days talking to her. She was just as cool and attractive as I remembered. I was a little nervous at first because I didn't want to say the wrong things or make a fool of myself. (These are things that I think about yes). But after we started talking I just fell into the conversation and it flowed like the river. It did my soul good to see her again and to talk to someone who can relate to where I am in my life and where I came from. I really can't put it into words but it was just a refreshing feeling. Like taking a breath of clean air after being confined in a world full of smog.
While we were out having our drinks and conversations, my mom called twice! She has a tendency to do that. I know she's lonely ever since my dad passed away but she did this before he left this earth. I feel bad for my sister in that she has to deal with it 7-9 times every day!. :( I know she's my mother but damn! Anyway, I didn't answer the phone because Sweetpea was more important to me. Not that my mother isn't important but I wanted to enjoy this evening.
After we decided it was getting kind of late and we should probably call it an evening (which I didn't want to but had little choice in the matter. It was either call it then or get a hotel room and I don't think I'd want to see her face if I asked her to come up to my hotel room. lol I probably would be bent over in pain and grabbing my crotch.) I gave her a hug (which felt really good but I didn't want to get too close because I know she doesn't care for smokers) and we told each other to have a good thanksgiving. If I had to go back home right then and there I would have said I had a good thanksgiving weekend. I went out to my car and called my mom, smoked a cigarette and then realized I hadn't had one for almost 7 hours! But like I said, I didn't even notice that so much time had passed.
I went back to my sisters and apologised for staying out so late. My sister just gave me that "you're a dumbass" look and said, "We aren't your keepers, you were having fun with your friend and we will be here. Just text me and let me know when you are planning on coming back." I love my sister, she's my best friend and we can make each other laugh even if we are having a bad day. Although she swears she will never call me on the phone if she has another child. I made her laugh through contractions. Yeah, I'm kinda corny that way and I love to make people laugh, even if it's at the expense of embarrassing myself. If you can't laugh at yourself. . . . yeah I know, others will still laugh at you.
The next day I did my normal morning routine and then headed over to my moms to help her out with some computer issues she thought she was having. I don't mind helping her out but she just doesn't understand certain things and it's almost harder to explain them to her than just to do it and tell her that it was just a setting that I had to fix. So after having done my due diligence at my moms house I went over to the gun shop to visit one of my families oldest friends. I'll refer to him as Putz in this blog. My father and him have known each other for 62 years and it was good to see him again. He hasn't changed much, he still gives me a hard time when I walk into his shop. This I expect from him and it's a welcoming feeling. He gives everyone a hard time but does it in a joking manor. We talked for a bit and he told me a few stories about my old man and him. I laughed quite a bit. It was very nice to see him again. I plan on visiting him again around X-Mas time.
When the thanksgiving dinner was underway and we all sat down at the table, my niece wanted us to go around and say what we were thankful for. I thought this was fitting, especially for this year since I have lately a few things to be very thankful for. When it came to my turn, I gave thanks for good friends and good family. You know who you are and I am thankful for you. I don't know if I'm thankful for the situation I created for myself (being single) but I know I did the right thing for the right reasons.
As for the being single thing, it felt strange this year not to call my now ex-girlfriend and see how her day went. It was a usual thing that I did when I came down to Oregon for the holidays. Since we broke up, I have noticed a lot of things that I kind of miss about her, even the things that were annoying. I haven't spoken to her in 6 weeks. She and I wanted to remain friends after the breakup. But after I found out that she met someone a month after we broke up and then 5 weeks later got engaged to him. . . . that actually hurt me that she was able to get over me so quickly. We were together for 5 years. We both decided that I would contact her when I was ready. It's been 6 weeks now and I haven't talked to her yet. I wanted to but every time I think about doing it, I remind myself that I'm not ready yet. We have been broken up for 5 months now. I'm thankful she's happy but at the same time hurt because of the situation. I won't go into it here but let's just say. . . I'm not ready to be friends with her yet.
While we were out having our drinks and conversations, my mom called twice! She has a tendency to do that. I know she's lonely ever since my dad passed away but she did this before he left this earth. I feel bad for my sister in that she has to deal with it 7-9 times every day!. :( I know she's my mother but damn! Anyway, I didn't answer the phone because Sweetpea was more important to me. Not that my mother isn't important but I wanted to enjoy this evening.
After we decided it was getting kind of late and we should probably call it an evening (which I didn't want to but had little choice in the matter. It was either call it then or get a hotel room and I don't think I'd want to see her face if I asked her to come up to my hotel room. lol I probably would be bent over in pain and grabbing my crotch.) I gave her a hug (which felt really good but I didn't want to get too close because I know she doesn't care for smokers) and we told each other to have a good thanksgiving. If I had to go back home right then and there I would have said I had a good thanksgiving weekend. I went out to my car and called my mom, smoked a cigarette and then realized I hadn't had one for almost 7 hours! But like I said, I didn't even notice that so much time had passed.
I went back to my sisters and apologised for staying out so late. My sister just gave me that "you're a dumbass" look and said, "We aren't your keepers, you were having fun with your friend and we will be here. Just text me and let me know when you are planning on coming back." I love my sister, she's my best friend and we can make each other laugh even if we are having a bad day. Although she swears she will never call me on the phone if she has another child. I made her laugh through contractions. Yeah, I'm kinda corny that way and I love to make people laugh, even if it's at the expense of embarrassing myself. If you can't laugh at yourself. . . . yeah I know, others will still laugh at you.
The next day I did my normal morning routine and then headed over to my moms to help her out with some computer issues she thought she was having. I don't mind helping her out but she just doesn't understand certain things and it's almost harder to explain them to her than just to do it and tell her that it was just a setting that I had to fix. So after having done my due diligence at my moms house I went over to the gun shop to visit one of my families oldest friends. I'll refer to him as Putz in this blog. My father and him have known each other for 62 years and it was good to see him again. He hasn't changed much, he still gives me a hard time when I walk into his shop. This I expect from him and it's a welcoming feeling. He gives everyone a hard time but does it in a joking manor. We talked for a bit and he told me a few stories about my old man and him. I laughed quite a bit. It was very nice to see him again. I plan on visiting him again around X-Mas time.
When the thanksgiving dinner was underway and we all sat down at the table, my niece wanted us to go around and say what we were thankful for. I thought this was fitting, especially for this year since I have lately a few things to be very thankful for. When it came to my turn, I gave thanks for good friends and good family. You know who you are and I am thankful for you. I don't know if I'm thankful for the situation I created for myself (being single) but I know I did the right thing for the right reasons.
As for the being single thing, it felt strange this year not to call my now ex-girlfriend and see how her day went. It was a usual thing that I did when I came down to Oregon for the holidays. Since we broke up, I have noticed a lot of things that I kind of miss about her, even the things that were annoying. I haven't spoken to her in 6 weeks. She and I wanted to remain friends after the breakup. But after I found out that she met someone a month after we broke up and then 5 weeks later got engaged to him. . . . that actually hurt me that she was able to get over me so quickly. We were together for 5 years. We both decided that I would contact her when I was ready. It's been 6 weeks now and I haven't talked to her yet. I wanted to but every time I think about doing it, I remind myself that I'm not ready yet. We have been broken up for 5 months now. I'm thankful she's happy but at the same time hurt because of the situation. I won't go into it here but let's just say. . . I'm not ready to be friends with her yet.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Creative writings
So, me being me I like to write about things I feel and or am passionate about. That being said, I used to IM with female friends and things could take a turn to the naughty side of things and I found that my words were so descriptive that the would cause the other person to become so excited that. . . . . well let's just say I was happy to have caused such a reaction.
A friend of mine suggested that I write a story using the very vivid imagination that I have and using the oh so descriptive words that I do. I started writing my first story about 6 months ago. I found that it was a nice creative release but at the same time, it served another purpose to please that darker part of my soul that needed the sexual satisfaction. I've begun to embrace that dark part more and more. Simply put, it's my demon and I consider it one of my best friends. I love what I do to women and I enjoy seeing that on their face. That's what pleases me. I find that if I can put a smile on their lips, then I've done my job. I would love to see what goes through a woman's mind as they read one of my stories. I would also like to see what it's doing to them. I'd love to find someone who would be honest enough with me to tell me exactly what they are feeling. Every woman that has read my stories, has done so in private and hasn't really given me the feedback that I need or want. They will simply say, it was good or I enjoyed reading it. That's good to hear but I want to know if it stirred a reaction in you. Did you visualize it? What did it do to you while you were reading it? Did you do anything about it afterwards? These are the kinds of things I want to hear.
More on this subject later.....
I've moved my "creative writings" to a different blog for safety purposes. If you want to know where they have gone just ask me and I'll tell you.
A friend of mine suggested that I write a story using the very vivid imagination that I have and using the oh so descriptive words that I do. I started writing my first story about 6 months ago. I found that it was a nice creative release but at the same time, it served another purpose to please that darker part of my soul that needed the sexual satisfaction. I've begun to embrace that dark part more and more. Simply put, it's my demon and I consider it one of my best friends. I love what I do to women and I enjoy seeing that on their face. That's what pleases me. I find that if I can put a smile on their lips, then I've done my job. I would love to see what goes through a woman's mind as they read one of my stories. I would also like to see what it's doing to them. I'd love to find someone who would be honest enough with me to tell me exactly what they are feeling. Every woman that has read my stories, has done so in private and hasn't really given me the feedback that I need or want. They will simply say, it was good or I enjoyed reading it. That's good to hear but I want to know if it stirred a reaction in you. Did you visualize it? What did it do to you while you were reading it? Did you do anything about it afterwards? These are the kinds of things I want to hear.
More on this subject later.....
I've moved my "creative writings" to a different blog for safety purposes. If you want to know where they have gone just ask me and I'll tell you.
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